


i feel like we’re as close as strangers (i won’t give up)

by onlythegay



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angry Harry, Angry Louis, Angst, Beards, Concert, Fluff, Jealousy, M/M, One Shot, PR stunt, Tears, Yelling, envy - Freeform, haha - Freeform, harry changes the lyrics to little things, i havent written on archive in ages, just a lot of anger, lots of those, lyric changes, no there is no breakup, only bc lou is mad at him, pr relationship, this was a really random idea, um
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-30
Updated: 2020-10-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:47:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27221464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onlythegay/pseuds/onlythegay
Summary: i haven’t written on archive in so long that i forgot how it fucking works HELP WHAT THE FUCKi changed my username <3 hahaanyways this was self indulgent i was bored
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 6
Kudos: 31





	i feel like we’re as close as strangers (i won’t give up)

**Author's Note:**

> i haven’t written on archive in so long that i forgot how it fucking works HELP WHAT THE FUCK  
> i changed my username <3 haha  
> anyways this was self indulgent i was bored

Harry knew he probably shouldn’t be angry. He knew. He _knew._ He knew, but at the same time he couldn’t control his anger, control the jealousy, control the _pain._ God, the pain, that was the worst part. 

Nothing hurt more than watching your boyfriend getting all cozy with some girl that none of the guys even liked. 

And Harry knew that Louis loved him, of _course_ he did. They’d been together for almost 4 years at that point, if you didn’t count the one year that they weren’t together due to whatever fucking contract Simon had them under that time. He knew that even though Louis was forced to try to love Eleanor, his heart belonged to Harry. 

And Harry? Well, Harry was just _slightly_ possessive. Possessive was a strong word for it, he knew that. But he didn’t want anybody else touching his Louis.

Louis Louis _Louis. His_ Louis. _His_ boyfriend. His. He wasn't anybody else’s. 

So that’s why he did it. He did it out of impulse, he did it out of jealousy, out of anger, out of love. He did it because he wanted Louis to know, wanted the whole _world_ to know. At the time, he definitely wasn’t thinking about any of the consequences of doing what he did, and he wasn’t even sure in the moment if he would regret it. 

They were all sat in the order they were usually sat in for Little Things, Harry and Louis on opposite ends, Niall, Zayn, and Liam sitting between them in order. Louis hadn’t spoken to him at all that day, for what god forsaken reason, Harry didn’t know. He’d been avoiding him all day, and every time he would dip out of a conversation with Harry, Harry would feel the pure anger and hurt coursing through his body. 

Because Harry didn't know what the _fuck_ he did wrong. And if anybody should be angry, it should be Harry. Louis had barely spent time with him in the past week and a half, always going on dates with fucking Eleanor. The bed was always so cold without him, and Harry always felt weird without arms circling his waist making him feel warm before he went to bed. For the past week and a half, Harry had been falling asleep alone, Louis walking into the house at the most ungodly hours of the night and crawling into bed, facing away from Harry.

And Harry couldn’t help but think that maybe _he_ was in the wrong. Maybe _he_ hurt Louis without knowing. And that made him even more upset.

But he just wanted his boyfriend’s attention again. He just wanted those blue eyes on him and him alone just like it had been before.

So -

“You’ll never love yourself half as much as I love you,” Niall sang, his voice playing smoothly and comfortingly in Harry’s earpiece. Harry’s eyes fluttered shut as his best friend’s voice filled his ears, and he tried to lose himself in Niall’s voice to forget the pain of Louis ignoring his existence for an entire day.

”And you’ll never treat yourself right, darling, but I want you to.” Harry swallowed the lump in his throat as Liam harmonized with Niall on the bridge. He wasn’t supposed to, it was Niall’s solo, and Harry thought Niall should sing it alone, but Niall really wanted a small duet with Liam for whatever reason. He wasn’t complaining, their voices sounded so angelic and wonderful together. 

“If I let you know I’m here for you.”

Harry’s eyes opened slightly, and they trailed across the floor as that line struck into his heart. Maybe Louis was struggling and he didn’t even know. He didn’t appreciate that Louis liked to run from his problems, it frustrated him more than anything in the entire god damn world. Louis knew that he could depend on Harry for everything and anything, and he truly wished that Louis believed it and didn’t just say he did. 

“Maybe you’ll love yourself like I love you, oh..” 

Biting the inside of his cheek, Harry raised his mic up to his lips, taking a deep breath before going into the last chorus.

“And I’ve just let these little things slip out of my mouth, ‘cause it’s you, oh it’s you, it’s you they add up to.. I’m in love with...” he trailed off, looking down, and he could practically feel the guys’ stares on him when he didn’t say the last word.

Everybody joined in with Harry, and Harry was taking small breaths in between each line to try and calm himself down. He didn’t even know why he felt like crying at that point. He wanted to tell himself that if Louis was angry or hurt, he’d tell him but he the other part of him knew that Louis was _extremely_ petty and of _course_ he would ignore him.

To say that Harry was sick of his petty bullshit would be an understatement. He just wanted him to _talk_. Wanted him to stop acting like a god damn child. 

So he just _did it._ No second thought, no hesitation, no nothing.

”I’m in love with _Lou,_ and all _his_ little things.” 

His eyes were glued on Louis’ face as the words escaped his lips, clear as day. Anybody in the venue would have heard it, they didn’t even have to listen too closely. Harry made sure that the words came out clearly so that _everyone_ would know. _Especially_ Eleanor standing in the front row. 

With a dropped jaw and wide eyes, Louis let out a shocked and shaky breath that was loud enough for the mics to catch. Harry stared back at Louis with a clenched jaw and tear filled eyes, his chest filled with hurt and anger and sadness and just.. so many things that he couldn’t even put into words. 

  
He was just feeling so many things.

Luckily, they were ending the show with little things that night, so he allowed the emotions to just take over and spill out of his eyes. He didn’t really care very much that there were so many fans, they knew already, so what was the problem? 

So they did their bows, they said goodbye, and they headed backstage. 

As Harry walked backstage, Louis was waiting there with his arms crossed and an irritated look on his face. Harry felt a pang in his chest at the look on his face, his eyebrows scrunched together, jaw clenched. His nose was runny, so he sniffled slightly and brought his hand up to wipe the tears from under his eyes.

But Louis didn’t say anything. Nothing at all. Just stared at him with this disappointed, disgusted look that made Harry shrink back into himself. It made him want to hide, want to run away, but he was so fucking _tired_ of running away and not talking.

”Stop looking at me like that.” Harry finally gritted out, his jaw clenched tightly so that the tears wouldn’t spill out of his eyes. He felt Louis’ eyes burning holes into his forehead, but he couldn’t bring himself to look at him. He just stared down at his toes, pressing them together so he was pigeon toed. His hands were behind his back, fingernails digging crescent moons into his palms and veins popping out from how hard he was clenching his fists to suppress the emotional pain he was feeling. He was just so fucking _frustrated._

An exasperated sigh escaped Louis’ lips, and Harry flinched at the harsh noise. Louis had _absolutely_ no reason to be angry, Harry thought. No reason. Harry was the one being left alone in the dark, physically and figuratively. 

“Why did you do that?” Was all that came from Louis’ mouth, calm and collected, but Harry knew he was anything but calm. He was mad, but the kind of mad that he couldn’t do anything but stare and blink, and that scared Harry on another level. He’d only seen Louis like that once before, and it did not end very well. 

But Harry didn’t even want to tell him, not here, not _now._ Not with the guys watching and their body guards right there, not with fans still outside of the arena. It was _embarrassing._

“Can we talk about this at home-“

”No.” Louis cut him off, walking closer. Harry heard Louis’ breath right in front of him, and it made him feel even more choked up than before. His heart wrenched at the scared feeling, not even knowing why he was feeling so god damn afraid of his fucking boyfriend. He felt a grip on his chin, tilting his head up, and he forced himself to open his eyes. Harry harshly gulped, looking at Louis’ eyes, which seemed to be darkened with anger and exhaustion. The bags around his eyes looked so dark and sad, and it made Harry’s stomach turn with anxiety. He knew Louis was hurting, but what could he do if Louis didn’t let him help? 

“We’re talking about this now, because whatever you want to say to me you can say it right here like you just fucking did on stage.” 

Harry jerked his face away from Louis’ fingers, his nostrils flaring as every ounce of hurt and sadness subsided, being replaced with anger instead. His green eyes darkened as he pushed Louis’ small hand away from his face, hearing Louis’ breath catch in his throat from shock.

”Don’t talk to me like that,” he gritted out angrily. “You’re my boyfriend, not my fucking father.” he almost growled, his throat feeling hoarse and scratchy from the sound. “Just meet me at the car, I’m driving home.” He reminded, even though Louis had driven them to the show that night. They were playing London before they officially left the week after for the rest of the European tour.

Harry ignored Louis’ sputtering and protests for him to just stay and listen, and he turned on his heel, rushing down the hall quickly so that he could grab his things from he and Louis’ dressing room and just get the fuck out so they could go home and lay their cards on the table. 

As he grabbed his bag, a shaky breath escaped his lips and he carded his hand through his long curly hair. He bit the inside of his cheek to hold in the tears that were threatening to spill from his eyes, and he bolted right out of the dressing room and through the back door of the stadium so that he could get out without anybody seeing. He didn’t want to even see the guys, didn’t want them questioning him about that fucking lyric change because _god_ he knew he shouldn’t have done that but he couldn’t control himself. 

Cold air hit his hot cheeks as he stepped out, and a chill made its way up his spine as he walked outside to find Louis’ car. Louis left his keys in Harry’s bag because he didn’t want to bring his own, so luckily Harry didn’t have to speak to him more than he wanted to. He reached to pull the keys out of the pocket of the bag and he unlocked the car, stepping inside. As soon as he did so, he slammed the door, then slammed his head down against the steering wheel.

All of the hurt came flooding back into his system at once, hitting him like a god damn freight train and he felt a destroyed and pained sob rip from his throat, the tears falling onto the steering wheel as the wind howled outside of the car window. He allowed himself to cry, nobody was there to see it, so it was fine. He could cry. It was fine.

The door opened a second later, startling him and making him jump slightly in his seat. He knew it was Louis, could smell cigarette smoke and the faint smell of vanilla, his signature scent. He furrowed his eyebrows again, pushing the key into the ignition, ignoring Louis’ soft questions of _are you okay_ and _hazza, baby talk to me._

He just started up the car, and didn’t even let the car warm up before he took off down the street, both hands on the wheel instead of having one free hand so Louis could play with his fingers. He want to be touched, didn’t want Louis even talk to him right now. He just felt so.. betrayed? Hurt? He didn’t even really know. He was jealous, that was for sure. Louis spent more time with Eleanor than with his own fucking boyfriend, then decided to just not speak to Harry all day for no reason, so of fucking course he was hurt and jealous. 

It wasn’t long before they made it home. Louis had already given up on his questioning, pressing his cheek against the glass of the window and focusing on the road outside. Harry was glad Louis stopped, it wasn’t like he was going to respond anyways.

”Come on.” Harry grunted after he parked the car, getting out of the drivers’ seat and slamming the door, not even bothering to hear Louis’ response as he pulled his house key out of his pocket, fumbling to get the right one out of the bunch. He gulped, feeling the cold air blow around him and toss his curls around. He bit down hard on his lip, groaning as he struggled with the key, and he felt a hand on his shoulder. “Please don’t touch me right now, I’m mad at you.” Harry breathed out in frustration. 

He and Louis had communication issues, that was for sure. They’d talked about it a few times, it was a conversation they would have after arguments, or even just at the breakfast table, cups of tea in their hands as they discussed their relationship and how they could improve it. He knew he was bad at expressing how he felt unless it was through a song, but Louis preferred when he was vocal about being upset or being angry. One thing Harry absolutely _hated_ was being touched when he was upset. He needed Louis to know that if he touched him one more fucking time, he would be even angrier. He just didn’t like being smothered when he was angry, it made his senses go into overdrive. 

The key finally slipped into the hole, and he shoved the door open, dropping his bag next to the door and toeing off both of his shoes, ripping off his coat. The house was quiet, as it always was, nothing could be heard but their frustrated breathing as Harry flicked on the light.

Harry gulped, walking over to the living room and sitting down on their couch, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm himself down before he started talking to Louis. He heard footsteps getting closer to him, and he looked up to see Louis standing right there in front of him, an apologetic expression on his face.

”Don’t look at me like that.” Harry grumbled, feeling a weird bubbling in his chest. He rubbed at it, trying to make it go away. “You don’t get to ignore me for an entire day after barely spending time with me for two weeks. You don’t get to be angry with me for changing lyrics on stage after you pulled that shit, Louis, I’m sorry, but you don’t-“

”Harry!” Louis cut into his sentence, throwing his hands up into the air. “ _You_ can’t just change lyrics like that! You can’t just say you’re in love with me in front of 3,000 people and act like it’s nothing.” Louis’ voice sounded tired, he was trying to yell but he couldn’t. It hurt Harry regardless, though. The exhaustion in his voice. He was hurt for Louis, yes, but that didn’t mean Louis could forget about how hurt he was as well. 

And he was hurt for.. well many reasons. One being that Louis felt like a fucking _stranger_ to him lately. He hadn’t even gotten a proper hug from his boyfriend in over a week, and he was honestly touch starved at that point.

Harry took in a shaky breath, running his hand through his hair as he tried to find the words to say. “Well I did. I did it. What can I do now, apologize? No! That will make everything so much worse, and you know it.” Harry said as calmly as possible, and Louis pinched the bridge of his nose.

“But why the _hell_ would you do it in the _first_ god damn place, _Jesus,_ Harry.” Louis’ voice got a little bit more frustrated, a bit louder, making Harry clench his hands into fists to try and distract from the pain in his chest. “Do you not think before you do things? Jesus-“

“You’re one to fucking talk.” Harry nearly growled at his boyfriend, his head snapping up to look at him. He stood up from the couch to face Louis. 

Nothing but the sound of the wind, their breathing, and trees moving could be heard between the two. They were breathing so hard that Harry felt like they were going to start getting dizzy soon, but he was already dizzy from anger.

Louis crossed his arms, his tongue poking at his cheek in that cocky asshole way that Harry hated. Louis had an ego, Harry did too, but sometimes he wished that Louis would just fucking admit when he was wrong.

“Enlighten me, Harold.”

Harry’s nostrils flared at the name. He felt mocked, almost, and he didn’t like it. “I have barely seen you in the past _fucking_ week. Do _you_ think before you act? Because maybe if you did, I wouldn’t have needed to do that to get your god damn attention.” He said, his voice raising to a higher pitch at the end, signaling tears. He didn’t want to cry, he couldn’t cry. He had to stand his ground. 

Louis sputtered to talk immediately, looking up at Harry with his darkened blue eyes. “Harry, you know that I’ve had to do things with E-“

”Don’t say her fucking name.” Harry hissed at him, and Louis snapped his jaw shut, nodding slowly and taking a deep breath. He didn’t want to hear her name, especially because he disliked her so much. 

“With.. with _her_ , and you know I don’t mean it, I’m just.. busy.” He stated, his voice getting quieter. “I’m just busy, okay, and I’m trying to make it seem like I like her so our careers aren’t in jeopardy, but you’re not making it any easier by telling the whole world that you’re in love with me!”

Harry’s jaw dropped, eyes narrowing as he stared at his smaller boyfriend, who looked regretful and hurt and sad and just _fuck._ He didn’t want to keep fighting, but if they didn’t fight they weren’t going to hear each other.

”Do you know how hard it is for me to sit there and watch the man I love kiss somebody else every single day?” Harry questioned harshly, the tears pooling in his eyes.

”You know that I have no control over that, Harry, what do you want me to say to you?!”

A rush of anger and pain rushed through his body at once, sending Harry’s brain into overdrive. And he didn’t know why, but he just let it leave his mouth. 

“I don’t want to feel like I’m losing you over a stupid fucking stunt!” Harry snapped. “For the last month, you’ve barely been talking to me, barely been touching me, and god,” he bitterly chuckled. “I haven’t even kissed you in over a week, you haven’t hugged me in over a week, we’ve barely spoken besides a good morning or good luck on stage, and I’m sick of it! I’m sick of feeling like I don’t even know you, Louis! I’m sick of feeling like you’re a fucking stranger to me, and I want to say you’re not, but I can’t even talk to you anymore.” 

“Harry-“

”And I don’t want you to fucking say some shit to turn this on me, because I know you, and I know you will, because you did a few minutes ago. Don’t think I don’t listen to what you say, because I do.” 

Louis gulped when Harry finished his sentence, staring up at him. Harry’s green eyes were sparkling with the tears that flowed down his cheeks fast, making his cheeks feel hot. A sob pushed its way past his lips as he brought his own hand up, wiping the tears away. 

“Harry I’m sorry I’ve just been so..” Louis trailed off, and Harry just turned away from him. Sobs racked his body, making his ribs rattle and his breathing quickened. “Harry, baby, please-“

”Don’t call me baby, _please._ ” Harry’s voice broke mid sentence, and Louis felt his stomach lurch. Harry had every right to tell Louis not to call him pet names. He was angry, hurt, and overall done with his shit.

Louis stepped forward, carefully placing a hand on Harry’s arm. “Harry, please-“

”No.” Harry sobbed, shaking Louis’ hand off of him. “Say your piece and go upstairs.” He stated, trying his best to talk through his tears. 

Louis gulped again, pulling his hand away from Harry. “I’m sorry for hurting you, Harry, darling, I swear I never meant to hurt you.” he whispered softly, his voice breaking. “I’ve been under a lot of pressure lately, with El and with Simon and it’s been too much and I don’t know how to tell you that so I push you away and I’m _sorry._ ”

Harry didn’t say anything. Just listened.

”It doesn’t excuse me coming home late and not being there for you because I know this isn’t easy for you either. I know I haven’t been acting like your boyfriend lately, but please know that I do love you, god, more than anything in this entire god damn world.” Louis allowed a tear to streak down his face, and Harry could hear it even though he wasn’t looking. 

“And I’m sorry that you had to take it to that extreme to get my attention because I wasn’t hearing you and I wasn’t giving you what you need.” Louis spoke softly. “I’m sorry, I am, and I _will_ do better. I promise you, baby.” Louis spoke quieter, the tears now freely flowing down his face. 

Harry didn’t know what to say. He knew things had been hard on Louis too lately. They were tough. Things between them had been so tough and so weird lately, and it seemed to be driving both of them fucking insane. But he loved Louis, _god,_ he loved Louis so much. He never wanted him to leave his side, he wanted him no matter what. And he did forgive him, because now he knew why Louis was acting the way he was. But he was still hurt, at the end of the day, and he still didn’t want Louis to touch him because he was still a bit angry.

So he just nodded, biting the inside of his cheek. “‘m gonna change and get a blanket. I wanna sleep down here.” Harry said softly, and Louis didn’t say anything as Harry walked up the stairs and into their bedroom, shoulders shaking with soft sobs.

—————

Harry hated not sleeping next to Louis. Usually, Louis was sleeping on the couch because of the way he reacts when he and Harry argue. He gets angry and doesn’t want to look at Harry, so he goes downstairs. For once, Harry was the one who didn’t want to look at Louis. It was shocking, really, Harry being the one who was broken. He felt like he’d been keeping everything in for so long and that was just his breaking point.

A blanket was thrown over him and his head was laying on a throw pillow they had on their couch. It didn’t smell like Louis or feel warm and cozy, just cold and smelling of their laundry detergent. Cold and empty.

Harry sniffled, bringing his fist up to wipe his nose a bit. His heart was still achy in his chest, it had been about an hour since Louis went upstairs to go lay down and he already wanted to sneak upstairs and lay next to him but _nope._ Maybe it was petty of him, but he wanted to stand his ground.

A lump formed in his throat, and he clenched his fists and closed his eyes, letting a small whimper escape his lips and a tear fall from his eye, hitting the couch in a small puddle on the leather seat. 

Ten minutes didn’t even pass before Harry heard creaking from the stairs, and he cracked open one eye at the strange noise. Harry furrowed his eyebrows, seeing a very disheveled looking Louis walking down the stairs on sock clad feet, just in his underwear and one of Harry’s big hoodies. 

Harry’s heart jumped in his chest at the sight, a warm feeling spreading through as Louis shuffled closer to him. “Louis?” he questioned quietly, going to push himself up to lean on his elbows. He wiped at his eyes, letting out a soft cough.

”Couldn’t sleep without you.” Louis stated simply, walking over to Harry, who immediately opened up the blanket, feeling a little bit guilty for the way he had acted. 

“Come cuddle, then.” Harry suggested, and Louis didn’t say anything, just moved himself to lay on top of Harry under the blanket, pressing his face in the crook of his neck. 

Harry’s heart was in his throat, feeling warm and soft, but still a little bit sad. He pulled the blanket over top of Louis, tucking it around them and he wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, his palm resting on his back gently. 

Louis traced soft shapes into Harry’s chest, trailing his fingers up and down, his breath tickling Harry’s neck and making his hairs stick up. 

“Boo?” Harry spoke against Louis’ hair, wrapping his arms tighter around him. 

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry for not taking your feelings into consideration.” Harry grumbled. “And yelling at you. I should’ve listened to you. I’m sorry.” he said, sniffling again.

Louis just leaned in closer, pressing his lips against Harry’s neck in a soft and sweet way. Harry felt his whole face heat up at the feeling of his lips against his neck.

”I deserved to be screamed at, honestly.” Louis laughed softly, coughing to clear his throat. “I was being a cock, I didn’t have to treat you like that.” he admitted, and Harry just shrugged at him.

”We both fucked up. I forgive you, boo.”

Louis hummed, leaning into his neck again to kiss it. “I forgive you too, Hazza.” 

The two lay in silence, the anxiety and anger between them calming down slowly, subsiding to a sweet sound consisting of their breathing and kisses against each other’s warm skin.

It took 10 minutes for one of them to speak up, and Louis did first. 

“You can’t do that on stage again, though, you know that, right babe?”

Harry groaned, a nervous laugh vibrating his chest. Louis pressed his smile into his collarbone, laughing against it.

”I’m never going to hear the end of it from Simon. He’s going to murder me tomorrow.” Harry groaned, and Louis laughed even harder, his nose crinkling and eyes screwing shut as he cackled at his boyfriend’s regret. 

“Idiot.” Louis giggled, and Harry glared at him, slipping his hand under his shirt and pinching at the little bit of fat on his stomach. Louis squeaked, pushing his hand away and pushing himself up a bit to hover over Harry. He held himself up with his palms on the couch around Harry’s head.

A smile made its way onto Harry’s lips, as he looked up at his boyfriend. 

“I love you, Louis.”

Louis just leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss against Harry’s lips, one hand coming up to cradle his jaw. Harry felt his heart beating fast in his chest and a spark going through his body, now realizing how much he missed the feeling of his boyfriend’s lips against his own.

”I love you too, Harry.” Louis spoke against his lips, pulling back to look at his boyfriend. 

—————

For the first time in an entire week, Harry and Louis fell asleep peacefully, wrapped up in each other’s arms, just like they were supposed to be. And it was okay. They were okay.

**Author's Note:**

> this was 100% self indulgent and i wrote it when i was bored anyways i’m really annoyed and tired right now but i hope you liked it <3
> 
> \- munchkin (she/they)


End file.
